SPLURGE

CALEB KOLE- METEOROLOGIST: "We can't completely rule out the possibility of rain, but so far it looks like we're going to have a lovely, dry Labor Day weekend!" 

ELSIE CHAMBERS- ANCHOR: "I hope so Caleb, I plan to spend a lot of time outside this weekend!" 

CALEB COLE: " Are you having a Barbecue Elsie? I hope I'm invited; I need a place to showcase my dance moves!" 

*dances badly* 

ELSIE CHAMBERS:  

* fake laughs awkwardly* 

"... There has been a dramatic drop in reported sexual assaults, sexual misconduct, and sexual harassment around the nation. In fact, the number has dropped over 30% since last September. A reliable source told us that a new illegal substance, called SPLURGE, is largely responsible. We take you to Layna Coyne on location to tell you more." 

 LAYNA COYNE- REPORTER:  "Thanks Elsie, I'm here in the greater downtown area where citizens say that the product appeared around this time last year. The neighborhood was soon tagged with graffiti artwork like the one behind me that reads; this neighborhood is protected by SPLURGE. A clear warning that residents are taking seriously, which has left the people divided.” 

LAYNA COYNE V/O: Residents aren’t sure of the exact day that SPLURGE arrived in their neighborhood, but they all agree, good or bad, the results have been effective. 

KAYLEEN: “I don’t know who made it or where it came from but it ain’t bothered me none. Might do some good around here!” 

RAN’DALL:  

*shakes head furiously* 

“I don’t like it.” 

LAYNA COYNE V/O: The sellers of the substance are easy to spot, says Sandra, because of their all-black attire and masks depicting famous women like Audrey Hepburn, Carrie Fisher, and Marilyn Monroe. 

SANDRA: “They stand out there all night with the white lady masks on. At first, I thought they were a bunch of weird kids so… I called the police.” 

*sips Starbucks* 

LAYNA COYNE V/O: The self-protection spray, which is mainly sold to and marketed for women, takes on the look of handheld pepper spray but packs a much bigger punch. 

LAYNA COYNE: “According to the locals, the sellers have told their clients and anyone who will listen that the formula contains 98% animal semen. Which animals or what the other 2% percent contains is unknown.” 

KAYLEEN: “I’m not sayin’ I bought any but whatever it is, it works real well, stinks somethin’ awful too.” 

*camera zooms in on small black spray bottle sticking out of Kayleen’s purse* 

SANDRA: “I think it’s unsafe, there could be some sort of contagion inside or something. I’ll stick to my SafeSound alarm and leave the violence to the police.” 

RAN’DALL: “I feel like I gotta walk on eggshells around my own neighborhood. Any crazy female with a bottle could spray you for looking at them wrong!” 

Kayleen: “I say if you ain’t doin’ nothin’ wrong, you don’t have anything to worry about.” 

 LAYNA COYNE: “Authorities say they have not been able to track down who created the formula, but they have tested the substance's content: the lab results, were inconclusive. The victims or, assailants, of the spray have not shown any permanent damage but say it is painful, the smell lasts for days and they all agree that SPLURGE, should be taken off the streets. For WVGA News, I’m Layna Coyne.”